A Quick Letter To The White Guy Who Tried To Get Away With Stealing My Cart At Menards

Tuesday, September 09, 2014

Dear White Guy Who Tried To Steal My Cart,

First, I don't necessarily blame you for wanting to be lazy because by nature sometimes people are lazy, and coming from someone who is really lazy, I understand laziness. Sure, not everyone indulges their laziness by trying to run off with someone else's cart while there are actually items in the cart, while the person is standing just a few feet away from it looking at another isle, but again, I understand the mentality of being lazy, as well as the mentality of that laziness manifesting itself into rudeness, entitlement, and just being a general stick in the mud. But while I understand the mentality of it all - it doesn't mean I'm going to allow it either.

See, out of the corner of my eye I noticed someone (that would be you) breathing heavily around my cart filled with all of the items that I had to get for my DIY project - and while in some ways I knew what you were thinking - I didn't actually think you would take my cart.

But I didn't say anything while you were secretly lusting after it because you didn't do anything at that point and there's no crime against lusting after something.

But then you touched it.

You went from leering and semi-pervy to all out kidnapper and cart molester crazy.

Sure, I was wrapped up in the mesmerizing array of all things rain gutter extension so I didn't notice it right at that second, but deep down, viscerally, I knew.

I could feel the bad touch

It was like it was happening in slow-mo (and I could also hear the cart whisking away).

Sure, you probably just figured the dumbass/meek Asian guy wouldn't know what was going on and even if he did what was he gonna do about, but I guess that didn't quite work out for you did it?

No. No it did not.

As I quickly made a left back out to the main isle I saw you trying to slither away making a dart into another section of the store.

But there was no hiding that day (and just for the record I bet you didn't think I could run that fast in flip flops huh?).

I didn't beat you down though or scream at the top of my lungs "FUCKING THIEF MOTHERFUCKER!" when I got to you. I simply put my hand on the cart and said sternly "Hey man - that's my cart." to which you said "Oh...yeah...these must be your items.." - not really looking me in the eye (because I'm sure it was a little embarrassing seeing as how there were sales people and other customers around at that time when I snagged you like we were on To Catch A Predator).

And then I noticed why you were so lazy.

You had put a 50 lb. bag of cement mix in the cart. You didn't want to actually go to the front of the store to get a cart to put the cement mix in, and seeing how you lumbered getting that bag out of the cart, I can see that you wouldn't have been able to bring that up to the checkout in your condition (I guess being a larger White Guy doesn't mean you can lift 50 lbs for an extended amount of time especially when you expend so much energy on being a Class A Dick) - so again, I understand you wanting to be lazy.

But next time, if I were you, I'd probably just get over the feeling of wanting to be lazy and entitled - and instead of stealing someone else's cart - just be respectful and get your own because if I was in a different mood you might have gotten a flip flop to the head.

Or possibly up your ass.

Hug and kisses and btw, frosting your tips really isn't a good look for you,