An Open Letter To My Asian American Penis

Monday, January 25, 2010

Dear Penis,

First I just wanted to apologize because honestly – I haven’t really done much for you lately. Sure, we’ve had some fun, but Thanksgiving came last year and I didn’t actually thank you or even give you a pat on the head, then there was Xmas and there weren’t any presents for you under the tree much less even your own stocking, and when New Years rolled around, I didn’t even try and kiss you under the mistletoe (I think in part though because I’m just not that flexible, not because I don't want to).

I guess when all is said and done, I should really just say Thank You.

Thank you for not being a Jackie Chan sellout penis.

Thank you for being a penis that doesn't use the word "Negro" (and just between us, I can only imagine what Harry Reid's penis really says late at night).

Thanks for being a penis who does it for the love so I don't have to cut a check and figure out penis union worker dues.

Thank you for not being a penis that posts up pictures of The First Lady and then tweets "Wow he has to wake up to this every morning" (aka Scott Baio penis).

And most definitely - thank you for not being a penis owned and operated by NBC - because who the hell knows where I'd find you then.

But the most important thing I have to thank you for? What I'm most grateful about?

Thank you for not being a White Penis.

Not that there's anything bad with White Penis mind you, but if one day I looked down and you were a White Penis, I would think something went terribly wrong and then I would have to start calling you penis of Dr. Moreau and I just don't think that would be good for anybody.

So penis of mine, penis of the API community, my Asian American penis, penis who loves phở, bulgogi, those tasty little side dishes, a hot bowl of ramen --

Thanks for just being you.

O.K., I'll see you soon.