The Letter I've Been Wanting To Write To The API Blogosphere All Year Long

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Dear API Blogosphere:

I have to be really honest and say that while I love what each and every one of you stand for I can't help but hold this grudge against all of you as well - and I know what you're going to say - I shouldn't harbor these feelings against you - but I can't help it.

I'm petty.

And this is my blog.

And like I've always said - if there's one thing I'll do, it's tell it like it is, and when push comes to shove - this needs to be said - it has to be said.

So I'm just going to say what nobody else wants to say.

API blogosphere - you all need to get a lot more fucking uglier.

Seriously - I can't even tell anyone that I'm a guy with a blog because now when people think about bloggers it's not just about what they post, how good it is, or how much they post (all of which I suck at) - now it's about how they look too - and all of you - you're not doing me any favors here.

Think I'm wrong? Think I'm just being sensitive? Think I should just suck it up?

Let's break it down a little.

Angry Asian Man: Who wouldn't want to take a romantic walk on a Carnival Cruise with Phil Yu under the moonlight? And just in case you were wondering, that would be anyone with a heartbeat. Sure, you might say something wrong and then he might throw you overboard while screaming "That's Racist!!!" - but really - it'd be worth it.

Disgrasian: Even though I'd probably get slapped for improper use of the thumb maneuver without asking you better believe I'd change my sheets on the hour every hour for these insanely hot uber trendsetting dep qua and gomapseumnida and domo once again for being as hot as they are women.

8 Asians: When seven out of the eight are better looking than you and you round that number up, the score is Slanty 0 and really hot Asian American people blogging 1 (and I'd ask for a recount, but we all know how that would turn out).

Strictly Platonic: Who wouldn't shove themselves into a grinder and lather themselves in wine must so Zoe Yang might pass by the table and just think about putting a piece of them on her plate next to a freshly made tasty motz burger? Exactly. And seriously - when you can take pictures holding food above your head and still look that fabulous - we should all have a problem with you.

8 Asians: Fine. It's actually 8 out of 8. Do you feel better now that I have absolutely no dignity left whatsoever?

Nikkei View: This my dream. Gil Asakawa invites me over to his house and that night there's a huge thunderstorm. Being that I'm afraid of thunder (or at least that's what I tell him) the ever so gracious and really hot host for the night doesn't mind when I ask to sleep in the same bed with him completely naked. And I'm talking Letters to Penthouse completely naked (well you know - if Penthouse had hot man on man action). It's one of my favorite dreams and no - that Erin woman is no place in sight (at least not in that dream).

Bicoastal Bitchin: Even with bars over their faces they're better looking than most everyone else on the face of the earth - myself obviously included - and that's just not fair because how can people be that good looking with bars over their faces? Stunning good looks, hip, and they're great bloggers who also DIY for kick ass causes? I'm just going to say it for the ugly people who have no prospects whatsoever - we don't like you and we'd appreciate it if you became a little less cool.

The Delicious Life: I don't know about all of you but I'm kind of getting sick and tired of classically beautiful women like Sarah Gim who make me weep because of how utterly beautiful they are - I mean really - who wants to be so good looking you make people weep? No one. It's counterproductive. The only people it benefits are stockholders in P & G and witches from novels who need the tears of ugly people to make fake potions to combat fake evil creatures. Again - this benefits no one.

The Antisocial Ladder: There's nothing worse in this world than someone who's not only smoking Gil Asakawa hot - but who's also intellectually hot - and all I've got to say is that SK needs to tone down that Asakawa hotness because it's kind of blinding which means not only is it infuriating but it could also lead to medical conditions and I don't know about you people - but I like my retinas.

The Minority Militant: No lie - the top of Militant's head is better looking than my left ass cheek, and let me tell you something - my left ass cheek is the best thing I've got going for me and when the top of someone's head is better looking than the best thing about you - and it's only one of your ass cheeks - this isn't what I'd call a good thing. Stay militant but for god's sake cover your head with a hat.

You Offend Me You Offend My Family: Like being devilishly breathtaking and in the movie biz isn't good enough? They have to blog too? And be fucking good at it? I know life's not supposed to be fair, but really - this isn't fair.

Yes. I realize this is turning into a hate post

But can you blame me?

Sure. On one hand I'm really turned on. In fact, I'm going to have some private Slanty time in a moment (which won't take long seeing as how H&B I am) but once that subsides - it's back to the hate.

So to all the above and everyone else like Ed Moy, Degenerasian, channelAPA, MANAA, Alpha Asian, Hyphen, Asian-Nation, NEAAT!, Big WOWO, YellowBuzz, Original Spin, Sepia Mutiny, Kimchi Mamas, Rice Daddies, MetroDad, Asian American Movement Blog, Asian Pacific Americans For Progress, Racebending, Absolutely Fobulous, AAA-Fund, BPR - and all you other gorgeous MF's out there:

Do us ugly people a favor.

Stay inside.