Don't Hate Me Because I Married A Strong, Beautiful, And Smart Asian American Woman

Tuesday, December 11, 2018

I've always said it - love is love, get it on with whoever you want too.


Don't let anyone ever tell you who you can and can't be with, indulge in, or choose to live your life with.

At the same time - and these two aren't mutually exclusive but I'm writing this in some ways as they are - sometimes I feel like I can't always talk about choosing and wanting to be with, specifically, someone who was Asian American.

I'm not saying I don't, because sometimes it can go without saying, or doesn't need too - but sometimes, for some people, it can feel like you might be making a statement on their relationships because of how you look at yours.

Like someone who talks about their new Jaguar they get every year, and you're keeping your Prius until it dies, it might make you think about what you don't have.

But maybe you like your Prius too. You think that Prius is a Jaguar.

In that way it's really the perception of the Jaguar owner, so that's on them.

But what if, secretly, the person who had the Prius, really wanted the Jaguar.

And then their friend keeps on talking about how much they love their Jaguar.

And maybe the person who has the Prius can afford the Jaguar, but they still have a lease, maybe don't want to go through the trouble to upgrade (and I don't mean any offense by that, but this might offend some other people, so maybe it doesn't matter, but I'm just talking figuratively in regard to real world costs) - that's on them.

I chose to make a baby with someone who was Asian American. While I dated a lot of different types of people, in the end, I didn't want to be with someone who wasn't Asian for the rest of my life.

And I think it can be different for a couple who is Asian and Black or LatinX, or Indigenous - because of shared experiences specific to p.o.c. and immigrant descents -

-- versus what has been the dominant culture and pairing.

And in those cases, or where there's been learning and education from a progressive standpoint, maybe where someone jokes like "Yeah, I wish I was with someone who was Asian, but somehow I got stuck with this lumpy White Guy" - there's a difference.

Love who you love, be with who you want too, but it's also okay to say Asian on Asian love is okay.

I get it, from an overall perspective, but at the same time, because of power dynamics, it's not always the same.

And it's true - it does work itself out. Whatever is comfortable will be comfortable, and same with other people around you as well.

Should you question someone else's allegiance to the APIA community because they aren't married to someone who is Asian?

No, absolutely not.

But has anyone put a "but" there in different situations and scenarios, right or wrong, even if never said out loud?


At the same time, I still married a Korean American woman.

Did I betray my Southeast Asian Vietnamese American side?

Was I a traitor?

Do Viet people everywhere get to roll their eyes if I say Viet women are the best and most amazing women in the world, because if that's true, than why didn't I marry Viet?



But do I say that?

Not like that.

Is what works for one person different than another?