On Being A Blogger

I've been meaning to write this post up for a while - and for some reason, just haven't gotten around to it - but I guess - I'm finally getting around to it.

You know, when I started this blog, I did it for a lot of reasons. I wanted to put out another voice in the API community. I wanted to do more for the community - because I don't think I was - in fact I know I wasn't. And I wanted to hype events and people that mainstream media didn't give enough attention too - or at least I felt gave enough attention too.

Like I've said before - if we don't do it - sometimes no one else will.

But there's a dichotomy. There's a balance between using hyperbole and language to make a point - because sometimes I feel it needs to be put out there in no uncertain terms - and not thinking I'm the all knowing Oracle.

There's that fine line between having a strong opinion and not leaving any room open for argument.

And I won't say that it's always easy. I won't say that I don't stumble around at times.

Because in so many ways - this is who I am as a person.

I can't help the opinions that I have, and while I know there really is only a handful of people that have read the majority of posts, where in full, I think there's a balance - not everyone has - they get bits and pieces of me - and form opinions of me.

Of this blog.

I'm not really sure of where I'm headed with this post - but maybe that's why I'm writing it - just for me.

Compliments are always strange for me - sometimes I can take them, sometimes I don't know how too. When I get very gracious e-mails saying how great it was that I posted up on someone - I'm very humbled in that way. I'm very grateful that someone thought enough to email me something on in and that this blog has been able to reach the number of people it has over the years in helping to hype the community - the diversity that at least I see - and it's not even close to being all encompassing.

Because I'm just one guy putting out what I see.

In that way - I never thought I would be behind what I consider to be a somewhat successful blog (even in the smallest of ways). And while I know it's not all about me in that way - because I couldn't do what I do if not for everyone out there doing what they do - it is kind of strange sometimes.

Because there's that side that honestly - can get kind of a big ass head about certain things - that says "Hey fuck that - don't tell me I don't fucking represent."

I think sometimes though - it's playing defense.

Like when I hear people say "Blogging doesn't really do anything" or "Online doesn't really matter. It's what happens offline" or "You really think what you have to say is important? You think people want to actually read what you have to say?" to which I'll always say - or think - things like "Online can be just as real as offline", or "Doing things online does in fact bring people together offline - I know - I've seen it. But what's wrong with bringing people together online as well?" or "Why wouldn't at least some people want to hear what I have to say? Are you saying what I have to say isn't worth anything at all? Even as a human being?"

It's that split of being proud of what you do and what you believe in and wanting to put out something that maybe you don't always see - and being humbled and gracious in the most sincere of ways - and thinking too much of yourself.

Thinking too much of what you say and what you do and the importance that it may just not have.

That's not always easy.

At the same time you put yourself out there - even as an anonymous blogger.

While I don't use my real name or use my picture - while I even sign my e-mails with my blog name - in the end - I could give you any name and you wouldn't know if it was real or not - in that sense - what I say and what I do, and how I correspond and work with other people (or maybe not work with them) - at least in that sense - that's who I am - and that's how people know me.

But I do shield myself - I have things that I worry about - and while I know some people will think less of me for it - or already do for that matter - I'll take that criticism. I have no choice but to take that criticism in that way, because I'm not putting my face out there - in that way on the most personal of levels I'm not making that same connection. It doesn't mean it's not real, it doesn't mean I don't say these things offline - but it's how I choose to be and I like to think that in the end - any good this blog does - for me personally just to vent or write like I'm doing now or any greater good - it outweighs that.

And when push comes to shove I'll put a face to this blog - but on my terms, in my own way - and maybe on a more personal level.

For instance this year, I plan on meeting up with different folks and organizations - because I do want to sit down and have some coffee, eat some food, have a drink - shake a hand or two (and not anonymously) - extending what I've already started.

In some ways though, with that comes it's own set of expectations and thoughts. For instance some people always want to see if a face matches up to a blog - what they expect it to be - and I'll put this out right now - it may not - it probably won't for some people. But I can't do anything about that either. In that sense while some people want to put the physical and the words together - that in some way they have to match to what they think it should be - the bottom line is that you can't separate the two. When I post on up - sometimes I post like I'm talking to a good friend - like I'm sitting in my car, windows open, just driving - and it's exactly who I am - but I'm not just one thought, or one sequence - and when I post - I post from the core - but I don't always show that core all the time.

In that way - it's just who I am.