What Tiger Really Wanted To Say?

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

A friend of mine recently asked me what I thought about the piss poor apology by Tiger Woods, and really - I don't have much to say on it - but I did think to myself that he really wanted to say something more like the following:

Listen People,

I'm glad you're all here at my press conference, but you know why I'm really doing this right?

Because I have too. Not because I want too.

Because who really wants to do this?

No one. That's who.

And honestly, what the hell should I apologize for?

I'm MF Tiger Woods.

Everybody wants to sleep with me - even Fuzzy Zoeller - and I'm not going to turn down all those freaky White Women who want to play the back nine on Planet Tigre.

But you know.

I'll get through this with the help of my sponsors.

And my mom.

Even though she kind of freaks me out sitting in the front row because it's kind of like watching a make-out scene while she's in the same room...
See ya em.