Five Things I Like About White People

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Occasionally, I go off on the white people, not all white people obviously, just some of them (although looking at recent posts, I don't think I've beaten down too many white people lately), but I was thinking to myself that as a person of color I should do a post on some of the things I really like about white people, or things white people have made, or just about white people in general because I wanted to show some love to my white peeps.

So here's the list in no real order.

Blaming White People

Blaming things on white people is just fun to do and if you don't do it on a regular basis I kind of think you're missing out on a really good American pastime.

I mean some things just come naturally because let's face it, even today as far as we've come, there still aren't that many people of color in control, so things like education, health care, foreign policy, "the government" -- these all have problems where I can point to white people and just say "You made the problem, you fix the problem."

But the best is just blaming anything and everything on white people even though it has nothing to do with them like losing my wallet, accidentally peeing on myself, burning my pizza because I got sucked into "Project Runway", or just dropping something in the store and cursing white people out loud because people really aren't sure if white people had anything to do with me actually dropping something in the store, or if I'm just a little crazy.

Kentucky Fried Chicken

Let's just say it together. If there's one great thing white people have perfected above all else that's really benefited the world it's KFC (because redlining and dropping the bomb don't count). I mean what else beats a few Heinekin and a big ass bucket of Extra Crispy with some hot sauce even though you know you shouldn't eat a whole bucket of chicken yourself but you just can't help it?


There's not a lot out there that beats a big bucket of fried chicken and if you look at the map above where all the red areas are countries which have KFCs, it's easy to see that I have the support of pretty much everyone on this, and I think just like me, people really do think of KFC as their white greasy mistress.

German Pee Videos

Go into any reputable porn shop and you always have the German Pee Video aisle, and while I know everyone tries to pee on camera nowadays, it's really the Germans that have this market cornered, and from the box covers, it's the white Germans. And while I'm not into German pee videos myself (or Roman Showers for that matter) the thing I love about the pee video is that when a white person says Asian women and men are oh so sexually submissive in comparison to white people, I just bring up the fact that German people pee on camera for a salary, lick my lips, nod to an old white lady across the room, and they really don't say anything after that.

I kind of think of it as pee empowerment.

White Women With Yellow Fever

They may not always want to take you home and meet the family, but that's really something I can live with because white women with Yellow Fever really want to get the most out of the experience, so it's usually been a good thing for me. At the same time, they really aren't that picky which is also a good thing for me. I mean I'm hot, but I'm not Daniel Henney hot (and think about it for a moment, I eat whole buckets of chicken and know about the German Pee Video aisle) but to white women looking at me with their Yellow Fever Goggles on I'm Jet Li, Jackie Chan, and all of Asia rolled into one tasty little dim sum.

And sure, once they find out I never studied under a grand master, don't have any pearls of wisdom, and I'm not going to beat them down like in "Ichi the Killer" on date #4 to satiate their brutal fetishes (because I'm a lover not a rapist) they do in fact say I'm not Asian enough for them and end up losing my number.

But just like not meeting the family, this is something I can live with too.

White Guilt

What some people don't always get is that White Guilt equals free stuff, and I'm not above taking free stuff, and while you can say that getting things for free based on White Guilt is something I shouldn't do, if some guy's cleaning a store, doesn't see me, and says something like "There's a lot a gook on the floor" and I can end up walking out with free beer and money for a chalupa -- I'm taking the free beer and heading on out to Taco Bell.

Say what you will, but I'm pretty sure you wouldn't turn down free beer either.