Random White People Post

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Occasionally I have to sit with people I don't really know at certain events/luncheons and sometimes they happen to be White People which is all good and fine because White People I do like you and some of you White People I like a lot more (and by that I mean having sex with you) - but occasionally - because this isn't an everyday event - I do get these questions simply because I'm Asian and I just want to put this out here for some of you (or to pass on to your friends) that I'm not the all knowing Oracle about everything Asian.

For instance, I can't really tell you if a certain dish from a restaurant you went too where you had [insert any Asian dish whatsoever] was truly authentic from the ingredients you think you tasted. I'm not a chef. I'm just Asian. And while I can tell you about some things, the fact that I can't tell you about a region or food that I actually might not know that well (because they didn't give me that specific microchip in the Sony Assembly Line) doesn't really tell you anything about my "Asianness" - and I say that because sometimes when this question has been posed to me I've gotten "the look" as in "How come you don't know that? Are you sure you're Asian" look to which I sometimes just want to drop my pants, point to my golden brown silky smooth friend who has a 95% customer satisfaction rating* and say "You're questioning my Asianness because I can't tell you if that food you ate that I never tasted that you probably paid too much for is authentic? Look at this fine craftsmanship. How can I not be anything but Asian?".

Obviously I don't do that though because I'm not really a fan of mixing food with sex (unless it's light whip cream) but if I really want to prove my "Asianness" I just do what everyone else does which is simply break out into a full on Japanese Tea Ceremony because just like everyone else I carry all that shit in my backpack.

* I have no problem admitting I can't please everyone 100% of the time because let's face it, some of you are just too damn demanding and I'm not going to wear a used bunny suit that smells like sweat and Gold Bond just because you want to get your rabbit fetish on. I mean I'll put on the suit, but it better be fresh outta the box.