Licking Sweaty Harvard Ball Juice and How To Be Asian American

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

I've been meaning to write this guide for sometime now after reading this Washington Post article (which other bloggers have commented on earlier in the month) because it seems some of the Harvard kids need a lesson or two on how to be Asian - so I thought I'd share some Slanty wisdom with them, because you know - that's what I'm here for.

At the same time, I just wanted to remind people that while Harvard is a good school - students and grads alike still have the same sweaty balls and woo-hoos as the rest of us (and for those that attended Harvard and have neither, I just wanted to say that you have my condolences).

With that being out of the way, let's get started - and as an extra, I've also included another guide after this.

Guide #1 - How To Be Asian American

1. Eating And Cooking: This is pretty easy, but at the same time I know it can get confusing because you're like "chopsticks, no chopsticks, spoon, fork, should the spoon be in the left or the right hand, do I use fish sauce, should I go with hotpot, what about kimchi, how much oil do I use" - I mean I get it - but don't worry, it's simple.

Just follow these steps:

First, find some food you like - and don't skip that step either because it's an important one. Second, unless it should be served cold, heat it up to the desired temperature. Third, choose some utensils to get the food into your mouth -- your hands count.

And finally - don't worry, this is the last step - grab the food with the utensils, slowly bring the food up to your mouth, and then insert the food. But don't try to put the food in before your mouth is open - that's key - if you go against that last step, you won't actually be eating like an Asian American.

Now this does require some hand-eye coordination - I won't lie - so it may take a few tries, but I'm sure you'll get the hang of it quickly.

2. Driving: I think the hardest thing here is just not to masturbate while you drive. I know it's tempting and everything - but save it for later when you get back home where you can get out the lube, pop in a DVD - you know - make a day of it.

Bottom line here is that you just want to be safe.

3. Having Sex: Now this is different for both men and women, so pay attention and don't get confused, and don't worry - these rules apply whether or not you like men or women so you'll be good to go either way.

If you're a women the basic thing here is pretty simple -- spread your coochie. You cannot have sex if you're locked at the knees and there's no muff to dive into - the muff - or at least the ass - needs to be visible. If there's no hole there's no sex.

Men - you have an even simpler job to do. Just don't cum before you put it in. Don't touch yourself, don't tweak your nipples, don't do anything until you at least get one stroke in, because if you don't get in at least one good stroke you're not having sex - and while masturbating yourself into oblivion is great at times - remember - the goal here is to have sex like an Asian American.

Other than that it's pretty easy. A little lick, a little suck, get out some nipple clamps - you'll be fine.

Guide #2 - How To Be As White As You Wanna Be

I hate to use words like impossible, but unfortunately if your desire is to be white, it really is impossible. I don't mean to get you down or anything, and I'd give you a hug if I could, but just look in the mirror.

You're Asian. Everything you do is Asian.

No matter what anyone tells you - from your friends, to the food you like, to the music that's your favorite, there is no such thing as "acting white" or "being white", or "acting black" (and really - it's a little racist).

The bottom line is that you are who you are and there's no getting around it, so don't let other people tell you any different - just be yourself because that's what being Asian American is really all about.